Who Am I To Judge

I always see you

You smile like the worlds okay

You walk with your head bowed

I wonder if it’s to pray

_You’ve been through it

In your eyes traumatic scenes replay

And nothing is as flawless as what you try to portray

But who am I to judge?

_I didn’t piece your life together

Perfect puzzle

_You build yourself up

Then something happens to make it crumble

Life’s not fair

But its fun to pretend

You sign off every page of your journal with

“I wish it would end”

Thank God for the hard times

Cause when the sun rarely shines

_We start to appreciate it

While most people hate it

I love the rain

No umbrella

Smells of smoke in the air

I basque in tainted glories of my sad despair

_I’ve lived in it for a while

Can’t fathom another lifestyle

I try to read my Bible every once in a while

____Call me crazy

I’m 20 with 2 babies

Slept with a older man cause I thought that he would pay me

Told him my babies were hungry

Said he’d only deal with me

Showed him my phone bill

He said he thought my love was free

Fuck that

Since I was twelve my life’s been whack

Mother was barely present

Got caught up in crack

And I always caught my daddy taking peeks at my back

When he first came in my room

I didn’t even react

Guess he thought I’d make up where my mama had lacked

___He’s where I learned most sex acts

People thought I had it together

Like my life’s intact

Every night he lay inside me I would fade to black

Told me to act like I liked it

Forced me to moan and look back

He’d always whisper, “You are such a tease”

Didn’t apply to school

Application fees

Thought he would help if I did anything he pleased

That was the first day that I dropped to my knees

Ashamed

To my father I lost my virginity

The nerve to move his hands across his chest

Holy Trinity

God

I tried to stop it__

But I feel like I’ve lost my divinity

Guess he felt bad

__And the shame

He couldn’t take it

Came home from school

He had a gun to his head in the basement

I said, “Shoot,

If you did it wouldn’t be in vain,

Maybe God would forgive for the nights you made me say your name

Waking up to a nightmare and I can’t even scream

I think my life without you would be like a dream

This shit was never as simple as it seemed

How the fuck could you touch and disrupt your own seed

Pull the trigger

_____It would be a gift to see you bleed”

Then bang

Blood splatters

The gun dropped to the floor

That was his way of not hurting me anymore.

His apology

I’m sorry

Let me try again

Looking for love in men has left me with a bunch of dead ends

So please pardon my demeanor

Smiles phony

Eyes dim

Only time I feel half whole is when the choir sings hymns

Damn

Wish I had brighter story

But I made it here today giving God my tainted glory. 

I Went To Church Today

I went to church today.

Half genuinely wanting to go

Half wanting to see if I could remember why I stopped

I wore my “I don’t give a fuck” clothes

My usual attire: sweats, some steezy kicks, a wife beater

A hoodie to be polite

They always used to say come as you are

But when I got there it was all eyes on me….shocked

Judgment day because I didn’t wear my expensive costume to their show

Actors.

That’s when I knew I needed my secret weapon

My favorite in situations like theses

Good morning ladies and gentlemen!

This is Jona’s consciousness aka bad thoughts she can’t say out loud

And I will be your host.

Fake smile from Mrs. Snooty…

Smile and keep walking

Snide joke made by someone who thinks they know me…

Give a fake smile.

Enter sanctuary

Hurry past the usher to chose my own seat

Sit down

Get comfortable

Don’t look at her…DON’T LOOK AT HER

Big black man entering from peripheral view…ignore him

“Young Lady”

Damn…”Hey”

“You can’t sit back here, emergency fire row”

Really?

Do you really think a church full of black Christians who “Don’t feel right with God yet” are going to calmly follow directions in a fire?

“Okay sir”

Move to the row directly in front of it.

Get comfy.

Pastor…wait Bishop (they say titles mean nothing…but slip up and say pastor)

Bishop says come forward for prayer.

I watch them rush towards the front as if that prayer was their only way to salvation.

Brain washed or anointed? 

The choir has been singing hymns so long I literally forgot to listen.

“Look to your neighbors and say Jesus loves you!

Look to my left…little boy…seem sweet in a grown up tone “Jesus loves you!”

Look to my right…obviously a stripper….”Jesus loves you?”

One thousand ones and I better see her count one hundred ones to give God ten percent.

When did the church decide it was best to guilt trip people into funding the Bishops lifestyle?

His Benz, truck, motorcycle…expensive Sunday suits.

Rumor is and always will be that he cheated: Was that the sermon on forgiveness?

Obvious stripper is stomping and shouting “AMEN”…he’s only explaining offering.

I guess I really fit in here…

Then the pastor says some deep shit and I’m stuck.

Mesmerized by how God reveals my problems to me.

Maybe I’m overly cynical, tainted or caught a rebellious spirit.

But I’m only like this when I’m here.

Is this Satan or common sense?

Can’t I learn God’s word without this?

Following a religion blindly because your parents made it habit?

When God asks you why you believe what will you say? Your mom?

The deaconess behind me was talking to her friend about how dealing with church people is a pain in her ass.

Hypocrite.

Her friend later touched my shoulder and apologized for her friends unholy language…

I looked at her and said, “We’re just people.”

I went to church today.