Saturday, December 10, 2011

Who Am I To Judge

I always see you
You smile like the worlds okay
You walk with your head bowed
I wonder if it’s to pray
_You’ve been through it
In your eyes traumatic scenes replay
And nothing is as flawless as what you try to portray
But who am I to judge?
_I didn’t piece your life together
Perfect puzzle
_You build yourself up
Then something happens to make it crumble
Life’s not fair
But its fun to pretend
You sign off every page of your journal with
“I wish it would end”

Thank God for the hard times
Cause when the sun rarely shines
_We start to appreciate it
While most people hate it
I love the rain
No umbrella
Smells of smoke in the air
I basque in tainted glories of my sad despair
_I’ve lived in it for a while
Can’t fathom another lifestyle
I try to read my Bible every once in a while
____Call me crazy
I’m 20 with 2 babies
Slept with a older man cause I thought that he would pay me
Told him my babies were hungry
Said he’d only deal with me
Showed him my phone bill
He said he thought my love was free
Fuck that
Since I was twelve my life’s been whack
Mother was barely present
Got caught up in crack
And I always caught my daddy taking peeks at my back
When he first came in my room
I didn’t even react
Guess he thought I’d make up where my mama had lacked
___He’s where I learned most sex acts
People thought I had it together
Like my life’s intact
Every night he lay inside me I would fade to black
Told me to act like I liked it
Forced me to moan and look back
He’d always whisper, “You are such a tease”
Didn’t apply to school
Application fees
Thought he would help if I did anything he pleased
That was the first day that I dropped to my knees
To my father I lost my virginity
The nerve to move his hands across his chest
Holy Trinity
I tried to stop it__
But I feel like I’ve lost my divinity
Guess he felt bad
__And the shame
He couldn’t take it
Came home from school
He had a gun to his head in the basement
I said, “Shoot,
If you did it wouldn’t be in vain,
Maybe God would forgive for the nights you made me say your name
Waking up to a nightmare and I can’t even scream
I think my life without you would be like a dream
This shit was never as simple as it seemed
How the fuck could you touch and disrupt your own seed
Pull the trigger
_____It would be a gift to see you bleed”
Then bang
Blood splatters
The gun dropped to the floor
That was his way of not hurting me anymore.
His apology
I’m sorry
Let me try again
Looking for love in men has left me with a bunch of dead ends
So please pardon my demeanor
Smiles phony
Eyes dim
Only time I feel half whole is when the choir sings hymns
Wish I had brighter story
But I made it here today giving God my tainted glory. 

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